Heart In A Blender

I don't know if it's the heartburn, or if it is the stress of trying to have a VBAC, but in any event, my heart feels heavy and as though it has been through a blender. I had a doctor appointment today, and everything was great. My weight gain has been perfect, and my blood pressure has been spot on. The baby is measuring exactly, and I am starting to like my new doctor more and more. Then, when all elements feel as though they are all perfectly aligned for me to take the easy road, life throws up an ugly orange cone. My doctor told me today that she will be in Brazil during my due date. Normally, for most people this wouldn't be a huge issue; however, it would be disappointing none the less. For me, however, having had a previous c-section and hoping for a VBAC, this little vacation is screwing with my plans!

I appreciate my doctor being honest and telling me in advance. I realize that doctors are people and deserve vacations. I'm not mad at all that she is taking a vacation during my due date. What I am upset about is the fact that her partner does not do VBACS. I am not sure why. More than likely it is to avoid paying higher mal practice insurance fees. So this puts me in a predicament to say the least. My doctor said that we will play it by ear, which is fine if I was one of those nice, normal people that can live completely in the moment effortlessly. Sometimes I come pretty close, but all too often my the hamster in my mental exercise wheel does not vacations.

As much as I want to, I am not of the mindset that believing in the philosophy of "whatever is meant to happen will happen" means that a person can just sit around willy nilly and wait for fate to find them. I feel like obstacles are put in the way to test people. They separate the deserving from the other people. So now I wonder if I should seek out an alternative doctor, read up on holistic remedies to hurry up the labor process (after 37 weeks of course) so that I can deliver with my doctor or gamble and hope that I can hold off and labor to point of no return before going to the hospital. I realize that everything could turn out perfectly, and my worrying could all be for nothing, but I would kick myself if things went south and there was something that I could have done differently. I want to be the Skipper, not Gilligan.

The real problem, in my opinion, is the predominant philosophy of most OBGYNs who adamantly feel that VBACS are horrifically dangerous. I visited an OBGYN in Tucson in November before finding my current doctor. I told her that myself and my doctor at the time felt that a VBAC would be the best option for me. You would have thought I told her that I planned on giving birth in a tiger pit, surrounded by a ring of fire! She told me that they were terribly dangerous and that a planned C-section was as close to sex on the beach as you could get without the sand. I told her that I knew my statistics, and was fully aware of the medical research that proved that VBACS were less risky than a planned c-section. She dismissively said that I was clearly one of those women who would never feel like a real woman until I went through the barbaric process of a normal birth. She then said I might be able to convince her to try a VBAC. Clearly this woman was not aware of my pre-madonna tendencies and did not understand that if anybody was going to get the pleasure of being a diva to be served, it was going to be me, the person forking the bill. Well, to be honest, the person who's husband was forking the bill.

Some people think that a c-section is no big deal. I think that those are the people who have never had them or who got tummy tucks immediately afterwards. C-sections are major. They involve ripping into skin and muscle while also temporarily rearranging bodily organs. Not to mention, I know how tricky conducting surgery can be. I have dissected a shark, a worm, a frog and a cat. Ok, I am sure that most surgeons have more training than my untrained high school hands and eyes, but in any event, surgery is hard, and I know it! There is a lot that can go wrong, and quite frankly, I have already been a key player in one that went wrong. Most doctors avoid VBACS for several reasons, some of the more popular being the increase in mal practice insurance or the inconvenience of them. It is much easier to pencil in a twenty minute surgery than it is to wait for nature to take its course. In the 90's, there was an increase in uterine ruptures of women attempting VBACS, which is part of why they were more or less banned by some practitioners. Low and behold, most of the women that suffered these ruptures were also given the same drug to be induced which actually caused an increase in uterine rupture. The drug caused the problem; however, the stigma of attempting a VBAC is still prevalent.

So I have to ask myself now what is the best case scenario, and I really don't know. I know that in my heart of hearts I would like a natural labor and delivery with no drugs. I am not scared of the pain because I have already endured it once, and I know it is temporary. However, I don't know how to guarantee it in the least stressful environment. I realize that at the end of the day having a happy healthy baby is most important, but I have to say that not feeling as though you are on death's doorstep due to an overkill of medical interventions is almost equally important. Venting complete.